100 Thoughts While Waiting for the G Train

100 Thoughts While Waiting for the G Train

1.  You know the G train isn’t that bad.

2.  Really it’s not.

3.  It gets a lot of flack by a lot of people and sure sometimes you have to run fifty yards on the platform just to catch it, but it’s not the worst train.

4.  The worst is the C train.

5.  God, I hate that train. Terrible train.

6.  Never comes and you have to stand and watch all the A express trains pass you by on the middle track. Taunting you. Teasing you. Playing with your emotions.

7.  I’m late.

8.  Again.

9.  Why am I so late? Why do I do this to myself?

10.  Is it self-sabotage? Part of some self-destructive streak preventing me from being successful?

11.  Just procrastination?

12.  I need to not do that.

13.  I need to plan ahead.

14.  Planning ahead is hard sometimes.

15.  C’mon G train, let’s go. Hurry up.

16. There are some attractive people on this platform. I mean, not everyone. That guy isn’t very attractive. But that man over there, he looks a little like Javier Barden.

17.  Hi, Javier.

18.  How are you?     

19.  Let’s hang out sometime.

20.  These are all thoughts, just to be clear. I don’t actually say them.

21.  I feel them.

22.  In my heart.

23.  I feel, Javier. I feel so many things. Right now. For you. Oh, Javier. You were so mean in that movie by the Coen brothers and also that Bond movie, but I know you’re just a big teddy bear. Oh, Javier.

24.  There’s a rat.

25.  On the platform. Not even on the tracks down below.

26.  They’ve taken over the station now. The tracks aren’t enough for them. They’re rooting around the garbage.

27.  Jesus, it’s coming over toward me.

28.  Stay calm.

29.  If only Javier were here. He would protect me.

30.  The rats are hungry. The garbage is not acceptable to them.

31.  They want more, something tastier, more delicious. Fresher.

32.  We’re going to have to offer a sacrifice. A peace offering to the rats.

33.  That small child will do. His flesh is tender and supple.

34.  The rats will accept this sacrifice and leave us alone. I’m sure of it.

35.  Excuse me, ma’am, we need to offer your child to the rats as if we were offering a sacrifice to the gods. Please?

36.  We asked nicely but we’re just going to have to take your child. There’s no other way.

37.  There’s no other way. I’ve thought this through. Javier agrees. Don’t you, Javier?

38.  Yes, he agrees.

39.  Oh, the rat found a sandwich. He’s pulling it to his lair, to feed all his rat children.

40.  Your child is safe, for now.

41.  But know that one day he may be called to make the ultimate sacrifice. That’s just the way things are heading in this city.

42.  The train still isn’t here. What’s going on?

43.  There’s a joke about the G train a coworker told me. There’s only two G trains, and one’s out of service.

44.  Hilarious.

45.  I’m going to be late.

46.  I’m always late, for everything. Why can’t I get my shit together?

47.  I need to wake up earlier. Get out of bed.

48.  I shouldn’t have spent so much time on my hair.

49.  But I wanted to look good for Javier, in case I saw him.

50.  Yes, that’s a non-negotiable.

51.  I need to look good for Javier.

52.  I like how the MTA workers do their training here. Look at them on the tracks. They’re training.

53.  This is not a training track, folks. People depend on the G train to get to work. We don’t have time for all this training bullshit. Your training is slowing down the trains.

54.  We need to get to work. To go shopping. To do things.

55.  Don’t you know how important we are?

56.  We’re so important. We’re important attractive people with places to be.

57.  Is that the headlight of an approaching train?

58.  I can’t tell.

59.  No, I don’t think it is.

60.  Damnit.

61.  The rat is back. He’s insatiable. He can’t be stopped. Now he’s with his rat friends. Their hunger is deep and limitless. They will devour us all.

62.  Oh, Javier, where are you when I need you?

63.  Leave Penelope alone, Javier. Come rescue me. We’ll sit in a café in Barcelona and have an Estrella beer and get some tapas. It will be lovely, Javier.

64.  The rats are approaching from all sides.

65.  They are hungry. Really hungry.

66.  We’ll have to give them the most delicious meat. And that means the youngest meat, so get ready, kid. You look delicious, to the rats. They’re going to love you.

67.  Everyone’s looking around nervously. They see the rats approaching.

68.  There’s only one way to save us, everyone knows it.

69.  Yeah, kid, I know you’re excited about the trains and you can’t wait to get on, but sometimes we have to reevaluate our life’s priorities. You could be a hero. A self-sacrificing hero.

70.  Okay, let’s face it. You’re not going to give yourself up to the rats. We, as a collective rational group of very good looking adults with serious places to go, will need to make that decision for you.

71.  That’s just the way it’s going to be.

72.  Trust me, we know what’s best.

73.  Okay, now more rats are coming down the stairs. They heard of the feast to come. They surrounding us, eying us with their beady little rodent eyes, their front claws twitching in anticipation of tearing our flesh and eating it.

74.  Get back, rats. Get back!  

75.  Surely, the train is going to come now. Surely. Surely.

76.  Stop saying surely.

77.  No, it’s not coming. We’re all going to die. Eaten by rats.

78.  The New York Post headline: "Oh Rats!" "Rat-atouille!" "MTA Massacre on the G Line."

79.  What is that distant rumbling? Is that the G train?

80.  Omigod it’s coming.

81.  Everyone, defend yourselves. Kick off those rats.   

82.  The rat just bit that woman’s foot. Flip-flops on the G train, you amateur.

83.  Whoa, that dude just picked up that rat and threw him against the wall, splattering him everywhere. This is serious.

84.  Javier, save some tapas for me!

85.  The train’s coming. Oh, but they’re slowing down for the trainees on the track. This is absurd.

86.  Rat-pocalypse!     

87.  It’s here!

88.  The doors are opening.

89.  Don’t let the rats on! Whatever you do, don’t let them on.

90.  It’s a fight, a bloody rat fight. They want on, they want to feast. They are hungry. They are famished. Don't let them in an enclosed space.

91.  We’re going to have to throw this child to them.

92.  It’s the only way!

93.  People, help me!

94.  This is our only hope.

95.  Bye, child!

96.  Maybe they’ll adopt you and make you one of their own.

97.  Probably not, though, just to be clear. They will probably very definitely eat you.

98.  Stand clear of the closing doors!

99.  Javier!

100.  I’m coming for you!