Is it? she says.
Women rely on kissing to biologically determine a mate, I say. Researchers say the amount a couple kisses is proportional to relationship satisfaction.
Have you ever broken up with someone because they were a bad kisser? I say.
Sure, I have, she says. This guy Ted I used to date was a horrible kisser. He was also an idiot, but yeah, really bad kisser.
In Germany, I say, a study found that men who kiss their wives goodbye in the morning are fifty percent less likely to get into a car accident.
Kissing is so important that people remember more details of their first kiss more than the first time they had sex.
Do you consider yourself a good kisser? she says.
I’m a wonderful kisser. I’m an excellent smoocher.
Do you just say smoocher?
Yes, I did. That’s how confident in my abilities I am.
Set the Mood
The mood is key. As part of setting the mood you need to do a few things first.
You need to look good. Get a good haircut, dress sexy. I’m talking to the men, here, of course.
For the men it’s also important to wear sexy underwear, because if you feel sexy that confidence will ooze out of you like a sweet-smelling perfume.
Women love the smell of confidence.
Wear your confidence like Axe body spray.
Douse yourself. Take a bath in your confidence.
After you’ve done these things, meet at a dim lit bar. Wear red: a red tie, a red scarf, red shoes, or red pants.
Not too much red, but just the right amount of red. A confident amount of red.
Ask the Right Questions
There are certain questions that help people—strangers, even—become intimately familiar with each other, and feel as close as a couple who’ve been together thirty years.
Really? she says. Such as?
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say?
If you were able to live to the age of ninety and retain either the mind or body of a thirty-year-old for the last sixty years of your life, which would you want?
When did you last sing to yourself? Or to a stranger in the subway? As you’re backing him into a corner down the track where no one goes because the G train is a short train and doesn’t extend the whole track and no one ever comes down this far but you’re singing show tunes and backing this young man into a corner and what’s going to happen now it’s just the two of us on the G subway platform and oh he looks so scared?
Get to Know your Partner’s Likes and Dislikes
A lot of what determines a good kiss in the end is personal preference.
Some people like big wet kisses; other people like tiny, dry pecks.
Some people like repeated kisses on the eyebrow.
Or a tongue in the ear. I mean, that’s not my thing, but some people like that.
Before I kiss anyone, I have them fill out a quick survey to highlight likes and dislikes.
A quick survey? she says. That’s romantic.
It’s just helps with clarity. Here you go, here’s the survey.
Why are you giving it to me?
I thought you might want to fill it out—I mean, check it out—since we’re talking about it.
Men and Women View Kissing Differently
Before you engage in lip-locking—and yes, I just called it lip-locking—it’s important to understand how different genders view kissing.
Overall women care more about kissing than men. Women care about men’s teeth, breath, and hygiene, and use kissing as away to examine a potential mate or monitor a long-term relationship.
Which is why at speed dating events you see a lot of women kiss ten to twenty men in a row. Or that’s why you see long-term couples making out all the time—you know, monitoring their long-term relationship.
Many men view kissing merely as a step toward sex.
How Do You Know if Someone Wants to Kiss You?
You could just feel if there is a connection and interest and eye connect and chemistry, but that’s too hard.
The best way is to break their personal space in a “plausibly deniable way” and gauge their reaction.
I like to tap people on their nose and make a Boop sound. If they act surprised just say, What, no one ever taps your nose and says, Boop?
Other people recommend touching their hair.
If they act weird, you can just say, Oh, sorry, I just find hair interesting. I cut my own hair. I’m a part-time hair stylist. I love hair. Love it. Hair hair hair. It’s all I think about.
What Women Like
You’re going to give advice about what women like? she says. Seriously? What do you know about what women like?
I’ve read about it, I say. I know how women respond.
You’re going tell me what I like? Who do you think you are? Okay, fine, tell me, what do women like in kissing?
Women like it when men open their eyes a little during kissing and stare at them intensely.
Women like lots of tongue action, and for men to put their tongues down their throat, sort of like you’re trying to implant an alien embryo in her stomach.
Wow, super advice, she says.
Women like it when you mix up the tempo. Don’t mirror what she’s doing. Ignore her tongue movements and go big with your own. Remember, your tongue is a paintbrush and her mouth is a large-scale canvas.
A woman’s favorite spot to be kissed, other than the mouth, is her biceps. It sounds odd but it’s true. Try it.
What Men Like
Yes, tell us, O wise one, she says. What should women do to be better kissers?
This is all science, I say. What I’m telling you is all scientific fact.
What’s the science say?
Initiate more, I say. Be more aggressive. Use your tongue. Take an active part in the kiss. Have wetter kisses.
Wetter kisses? she says. Like more saliva? That’s what men want, more saliva?
This is what science says, not me!
More saliva? Wonderful, thank you, science, thank you.
Why are you touching my hair? she says. Stop touching my hair.
I’m like so into hair, I say. I just love hair. Hair is fascinating to me. It grows out of our heads. Isn’t that crazy, hair, just growing out of our brains? It’s like our brains are the roots and our hairs are parts of our brain just growing out of our skulls.
That’s not how it works.
Isn’t science crazy?
Did you just kiss my bicep? Why are you kissing my biceps?
I love muscles, don’t you love muscles? Muscles are just the craziest things, how they can get so much stronger after working out.
You don’t know anything about kissing, do you? she says.
I was homeschooled, I say. I wasn’t allowed to date.
I see, she says. Well, I can teach you a few things.
Yeah? I say.
Yeah, she says.