Spice Things Up

I saw the moon shining from where I was lying tied up on our bed.

It was our attempt to "keep things fresh" and "spice things up" in our relationship. I won't go into all the details because no one wants to hear about that stuff unless it involves really attractive people, but I will say that I was only in my boxers and my hands and feet were tied to the bedposts.

As she was kissing me these two gentleman dressed all in black with ski masks entered the front door.

Is the front door open? I said.

Uh-huh, she said. I unlocked it.

Why? I said, a little concerned.

Don't worry, honey, it's part of the whole experience.

The men in ski masks were rummaging in our living room and I saw through the bedroom door they were carrying our television out the front door.  

Just relax, honey, she said.

As she continued kissing me they came into our bedroom and removed my wife's jewelry and rummaged through my dresser.

That's my wallet, I shouted.

Honey, she said. This is never going to work if you are so tense.

Okay, I said.

After the men carried out our furniture, I said, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this.

You said to surprise you, my wife said.

Well, yes, I said.

Okay, so now you're going to be surprised.

That's when one of the men in the ski masks kissed my wife.

Okay, I said. Okay.

Honey, she said. I have to go.

What? I said. I thought we were spicing things up.

Oh we are, she said. This is the part where I pack all my clothes and leave and when I come back things will really get intense.

Okay, I said.

Anticipation really is so important in these things, she said.

She left. She took all her clothes and the cat.

That's when I started looking at the moon. I hadn't really looked at the moon for a while. When I was a kid I used to howl at it because I thought it was funny, like I was a werewolf.

I was howling at the moon when my neighbor walked in.

Your door is open, he said. And all your stuff is gone.

It's not what it looks like, I said. We're just keeping things interesting.

Do you want me to untie you? he said.

Nope, she'll be back any minute. We're just having a little fun. It's part of the whole experience. She'll be right back, everything's totally fine.