Dylan, Whose Ex Wrote a Tell All Memoir

Dylan, Whose Ex Wrote a Tell All Memoir

Dylan had just gotten out of a relationship of seven years when he was browsing a bookstore and came upon his ex-girlfriend's memoir.

The book contained descriptions of their private conversations, intimate moments, as well as word-for-word transcripts of arguments. In the book, among other things, she accused Dylan of suffocating her and not letting her “breathe” or be her own person. She also was upset that Dylan hadn't shared a "life-shattering" secret until years into their co-habitation.

What went wrong in the relationship?

Sometimes two good people aren't right for each other. We tried to make it work but in the end it didn't. 

I'm looking for more juicy details.

Listen, I'm not going to speak badly about my ex, but I think she got lost in the minutiae of daily domestic living. The apartment had to be a certain way or she didn't want to go out and hang with my friends.

Did your constant criticism have anything to do with it?

I was just trying to be helpful. There's a certain way the cushions should be arranged on the couch, or else it doesn't look good at all.

Did you know she was documenting everything?

Well, she did disappear immediately after fights to go write. I figured she was just processing the fight, trying to understand or reflect upon her role and responsibility in it. But then she started recording our fights, actually making audio recordings.

How did that make you feel?

I'm not proud of some of those things I said in the fight. I don't think it was right to record without my permission, but she did it and that was her call.

In the book she calls you a "monster." Your response?

I'm not a monster. I mean, not technically.

Can you clarify?

I'm a fallen angel.

A fallen angel?

Yes, a demon, if you want to be more accurate.

In the memoir, your ex talks about how you withheld this fact for a long time.

I don't think she would have gone out with me or moved in with me if she knew I was a demon. But then I felt bad for not telling her. I decided to be honest and upfront about it.  I thought it might explain some of my behavior. But I want to make it clear, I'm a totally chill demon. I'm not like uptight or in your face about it.

What is your job?

Essentially it's to spread chaos in the modern world. In a nutshell that's what I'm supposed to do. The day-to-day changes. I mean, I wish it was more noble or interesting than that or we had some master overreaching plan, but it's really just to screw things up.

What does that involve?

Messing with people. Getting people really drunk and taking their wallet. Stealing people's phone chargers. Running for political office or working in finance.

How did she react to your news?

Well, I tried to explain to her that it was just my job. I said I was looking for all the things a normal human is looking for: a little stability in my home life, happiness, maybe kids someday. She didn't want to listen to me, I felt.

Why not?

She just didn't believe me. She had all these preconceptions of what it means to be a demon. She never truly believed that I wanted the best for her, for us. Every time she misplaced her phone charger or got really drunk or there was some economic financial crisis, she always blamed me. I never touched her phone charger. I left all that chaos stuff at work.

But you did bring it home sometimes?

The job affected me sometimes, I'm not going to lie. I got this one kid to steal from a store and he went to jail and I felt a little bad about it. But I was just doing my job.

How do you go forward now?

Now I feel exposed. People come up to me on the street and say, "Hey, are you that demon?" Sometimes people buy me a drink, but I didn't want to be revealed this way.  

You don't have any horns or anything?

No, I look normal. Everything about me is normal except my soul, which is divine but corrupted eternally.

So you're just a normal guy?

I watch sports, I drink beer, I only occasionally possess others and drink the blood of goats.


I'm kidding. I got you. I never drink the blood of goats. Only infants.


I'm kidding, man. I'm kidding.

Are you going to date again?

I'm currently on all the dating apps. Things are interesting. Ultimately, I'm a nice guy and I'm just looking to settle down to have a family with the right girl. I hope people can understand that and know that even though I call Beelzebub my father, and he will want to attend the wedding, he buys really good gifts. So think about that.