God, this is embarrassing. I’m so sorry about this. I guess I’ve always shown this place during the day—it gets such great natural light. I didn’t even notice about the light bulbs. Or maybe the power’s off. No, why would it be off? God, I don’t know. This sucks.

I don’t know man, I feel bad. I guess I can at least describe it to you. And, you know what, brilliant, we have our cell phones for some light.

What do you say? Are you up for it?

Alright, here we go: this room that we’re standing in is the living room slash dining room. It’s a good size—very good size. There are two windows down there at the end. Like I said, great light. These hardwood floors are going to be re-finished by the time you move in. The super’s patching up the walls too—not sure if he’s done yet. And there are two really good closets here. Damnit, where are they? They were here last time. Okay, here’s one. You can take a peek inside and I’ll shine my phone in there. Nice, right?

Okay, so if we walk in on our left is the kitchen. A little cozy, I’ll admit. Here in the kitchen I’m not going to lie to you. I’m not going to bullshit you, because I hate that, but the stove and fridge are pretty old. They’re not shiny brand new, but you’re not paying for shiny brand new for this price. But everything works, and that’s what counts, right? So across the way we have the bathroom. Again, not shiny brand new, but it works. You know what, if you don’t mind, I’m just going to double check that. If you’ll just excuse me for a minute—I had to rush over here from another showing. You’ll notice the door is a little hard to close—again, not shiny brand new—but it just takes a little force. Wow, that is really hard to close. Goddamnit! I’ll mention this to the super. Wait, wait, everyone stay calm, I think I got it. You just have to lift the knob up a bit and pull hard. Okay, well, I’ll just be a second in here. Make yourself at home out there.

Hey again. Sorry—took a little longer than expected. But you’ll be happy to know the old plumbing works. Toilet too. Kidding! Okay, if you’ll just follow me well continue. So here’s what’s really so great about the apartment. This is priced really for a one bedroom, but wham! What is this? Two bedrooms. That’s right, for the price of one bedroom, you get two. You could use this as an office, or if you’re a painter it could be a little studio, or a music room, an arts and crafts room, an S&M dungeon—whatever the hell you want.

And this baby over here is anything but a baby. And by baby I mean tiny. Which is not what this room is. This is the master bedroom, which I guess is appropriate if you are into S&M. Are you? No? Okay, man, I get you. That’s cool. There are a lot of misconceptions and prejudice about it, but I understand. Not everyone’s strong enough—mentally, I mean. Anyways, what the hell am I talking about? The master bedroom. Like I said, huge. There are two windows down at that end. Again, like I said, great light. If you could only see it, trust me, you’d be very impressed. You know what, here’s what we should do: we should feel around the room. Just follow the wall around with your hands so you can quote unquote see how big the room is. Here, follow me. I’ll go first. Whooaah, a little dusty, but as I said, the super’s still doing some cosmetic touch up work. This is great, right? I think you’re getting a real feel for how big the room is. Jesus Christ! Fuck! Watch out for the radiator. Goddmanit, that hurt. But you got to love these old rads—so warm in the winter. Well, that’s the room. Little noisy upstairs, but I’m sure that dies down later. So what do you think? It’s pretty awesome, right? This baby is going to go fast, so what do you say?