No One Cares about Your Short Story

No One Cares about Your Short Story

Seriously. Write a novel.

I don’t want to emotionally invest in a character for, oh, three minutes. 

I take my emotional investments seriously. 

I want a hefty book to carry around with me.

Yes, I’m hoping some handsome guy will notice it and we’ll talk about it. No, I’m kidding, leave me alone, people. That's why I read books. "I don't have time for your bullshit." That's what I'd say to the guy if he talked to me.

I want the Hero’s Journey, please. Like all of it. From the Ordinary World to the Return with the Elixir.

Have you read War and Peace yet? You should write something like that. Only set in America and with Americans not Russians. 

Or even something like Pride and Prejudice.  That wouldn't be bad either.

I want the crisis and the climax to cover many, many pages, not just like one sentence.

I want that major, transformative event for the main character to take place over chapters. I don’t need your subtle things happening off the page.

I want subplots. I want multiple characters. I want to be drawn into an intricate, complex universe.

I don't want to read about a white boy who gets drunk in Brooklyn and is sad and doesn't get the girl.

Your short story is on my desk but I'm hoping it will fall behind so I don't have to look at it anymore. Seriously, fall behind there. Fall already.

I'm glad we can be honest with each other. It's something that I've always treasured about our relationship.

I want a journey, an exploration, not some pithy statement. 

Short stories don't really sell. Time to make some money. Time to pay me that money you owe me.

I want you to work years, invest huge amounts of time, energy, mental, and emotional strength.

I want you to suffer when you produce art.    

Really suffer.

Ha, ha, kidding. Don't suffer too much.