When people find out I was homeschooled they—understandably, of course—have questions.
Instead of answering those questions in person since I never learned quite how to socialize and talk to people due to my isolated upbringing as a homeschooler I thought I’d put my answers here. See, homeschoolers are super helpful and courteous!
How long were you homeschooled?
That’s a long time.
Did you have any friends?
I’m kidding. I had a lot of friends with the retired ladies who lived next door to us.
What about socialization?
We had plenty of socialization in our homeschool co-op square dancing class. I feel very well adjusted into terms of communicating with my peers—I just need to be doing a traditional American folk dance when I do so.
How did you learn your various subjects?
I had private tutors in all the important subjects: Bible, Creationism, and His-story. Also Politics/Rush Limbaugh.
Did you go to prom?
No. And yes, I have heard all the jokes relating to being voted Prom King and/or Prom Queen and related to that Most Popular and Class Clown and Valedictorian—all are very funny.
If you had to do it over, would you still be homeschooled?
What about Sex Ed?
You mean Leviticus?
You seem sort of normal. Are you normal?
I’m so normal. If only I could describe to you how normal I am, do you have time? Two hours? I could give it a go in two hours. I couldn’t explain it all, but I could give you an introduction to how normal I am, to how well I relate to my peers, to adults, to children, to animals, to the spirit world. I’m considered normal in all dimensions and realms.
What is normal anyways? Whatever the definition of normal is, yes, that’s me. Whenever people think of what a normal human being man person is, I come to mind, smiling normally, not too intense, just the right amount of smiling with a look of curiosity and normalness in my eyes. I’m wearing a normal button down shirt. Some khakis. Maybe my hand is underneath my chin, propping it up in an intellectual or thoughtful way. Maybe my glasses are off so you can really get a good look at my eyes. My eyes are staring brightly and intently ahead. Normally.
Did you play sports?
Yes, I played sports against other homeschoolers, so you know the competition was fierce. We weren’t allowed to play other public or private schools so we played against prison teams. It was convenient because afterwards we could witness to them.
Were you homeschooled for religious reasons?
What kind of religion?
DC Talk mixed with pre-divorce Amy Grant.
What was a typical day like for you?
I woke up at 7:30am or 8am. After breakfast, we had Bible Study or Quiet Time, where we prayed for jailed missionaries in China. Then five hours of Saxon Math, and off to a local exorcism.
What did you do on the weekends?
Why do you ask?
Sports and church.
What’s your favorite memory of being homeschooled?
We watched The Price is Right for math class.
Were you a popular kid?
Yes, all the homeschool moms loved me. I was adorable.
How do you feel about public school?
Where are you going to send your kids?
My kids go to public school. I think. Not sure.
You’re really chatty. Are all homeschoolers this chatty?
I’m one of the chattiest homeschoolers you’ll ever meet.
Any advice for people thinking about homeschooling?
Education is overrated. All the information is on the Internet so you should just give your kid an iPhone or smart phone and save yourself the time and effort. It’s really not worth it. Have the kid learn programming or something so they can get a job and make some real money.
I still have a lot of questions.
How many more?
A lot more. What’s your life like now?
What do you mean?
Tell me about it.
I work from home. I live in a studio apartment and try to avoid human contact. All my groceries are delivered. I have a lamp for the sun. I also sit in front of my window to get my vitamin D. It's pretty fun.
Are you for real? Are you being serious with me?
I thought you said you had kids?
They live upstate with their mother.
No, I have no children. But my girlfriend would like children. She was also homeschooled.
Yes, we’re thinking of getting one.
Yes. We go the hospital and pick a baby out.
I'm not sure that’s how it works?
I’m pretty sure. That’s what the Bob Jones Guide to Sexual Education for Homeschoolers seemed to imply. They were vague but that’s what we got. I know these things. I was homeschooled. Homeschoolers are smart.
Good luck with that.
Thanks! We’re super excited about it.
Any plans for the rest of the day?
Watching McGee and Me and going to listen to Newsboys and Phil Keaggy. Do you know he is the greatest guitar player in the world? That’s what Jimi Hendrix said. It's a fact. Look it up.